My first post...
@ 24/05/05 - 17:50:25Hi guys 
Well welcome to my first post. Guess a little recap on recent events in my life would be useful.
Where to start...
I've been going out with this guy since christmas, so coming up for 6 months, all is going well and we spend a lot of time together. For now we'll call him Spidey.
Rewind two weeks...
Told Spidey that I loved him! 
Hadn't planned to tell him, in fact I'd kept it to myself for about 3 months, figured I'd wait until he told me first and then that way I wouldn't get hurt. See had it all worked out. Such a wuss aren't I. Anyway Spidey had said it before me, twice in fact. Well...how was I to know that he didn't realise he was saying it. I figured it was safe, and even though I still felt too shy/scared to tell him it came out during a night on the town with some of my mates (who knew how I felt).
Now it's not the best time to declare your love to someone, let alone for the first time, I know but I also have no idea how it happened. Lets just say...it didnt go as planned. And the huge knots in my stomach the next morning when I woke up alerted me to that fact 
(even though I technically couldn't remember anything he'd said - repression in my opinion nothing to do with the copious amounts of alcohol).
So two weeks had passed and things have been pretty much the same, still pretty good, though that fateful night hasn't been mentioned again That is except briefly the day after I told him, although nothing was really said about what was said.
Decided that should come clean yesterday and tell him, "Spidey, remember when I told you that thing I told you a few weeks ago, well I can't remember what you said." There you go me being honest. Spidey's turn.
Spidey said he cared about me a lot. Good start to saying I don't love you, I guess thats something. Spidey doesn't want to throw love around like it's meaningless. 
I meant it. Am I meaningless? I skimmed over reacting to that part, quite frankly I don't know how that part makes me feel. I guess he's honest. Spidey said he didn't want things to change. Why would they have to change? Told Spidey we didn't have to talk about this anymore. It was starting to hurt a little too much. Didn't tell him that part.
And now? Well. Life goes on as it always does. But I feel a bit in limbo and a bit sad even though I should be grateful that he was decent enough to be honest. And of course I know that IF he ever does say it it will mean a lot. Thats just it though, he doesn't now and that hurts a little. But worst of all what if he never feels it?
Feeling way to vulnerable now. And here I was thinking I'd devised the master plan to not get hurt. I wish I hadn't told him, it was almost better wondering if he did do. But now where do I go from here? It's always going to be "out there now".
Anyway I guess thats enough of my ramblings for now. Time to go and do something else to amuse all and sundry!
xxx
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I've got 2 scenario's to this dilemma. I may not have the full story (I can only go by what you have written) And one of them is really blunt, so I apologise in advance as I don't want to cause offense or hurt anyone's feelings.
1) I think it really depends on the person (the 'i love you' thing)and when they're ready to launch into saying intimate deeply important stuff like that. It could just be a case of when he's ready, he will.
Or scenario 2; he doesn't want a committed relationship. And you do. If so, do you really want to continue going out with him, if there's no full life embracing future in it?
That's it, I hope I wasn't too blunt. And i hope he didn't hurt your feelings too much.
Take care,
C
 | blue84 [Member] 24/05/05 @ 20:59 |
Thanks Charlotte, it's nice to get someone else's perspective on this too. And for the record no that wasn't too blunt, I would have thought it myself if it wasn't for the other factors.
I see him pretty much everyday, and most of the time its him that wants to see me. It did crop up in our conversation yesterday, that we see eachother a lot. Spidey said that that was the reason he hadnt stopped to think about his feeling about us. Obviously I did ask if he wanted us to see less of eachother, and he protested at the thought of it.
Also nothing else has changed, he's still as affectionate and romantic as he was before. He still seems to be making plans for us later in the year and things. Which is good in that it suggests he still see's us being together in the future. So maybe you were right with scenario one.
One major factor completely skipped over here is his ex-girlfriend. Noone porbably saw that one coming. She's still around as a friend. Although she lives away from us, so he doesn't see her us such. When we were first together I didn't know about her. About a month or so into our relationship I discovered her existance.
Now you probably are all thinking that's not so bad...she's an ex for a reason. But they have this bond (well I'm not sure thats the right word but thats the best way I know how to describe it). How would you feel if your boyfriend sent his ex girlfriend a valentines card? Of course I did ask why (without trying to make it an issue - I know slagging off ex's won't get me anywhere but lonely). He said he just always had and he wanted her to have something to open.
I know that was early on but it breaks my heart thinking about it. How can he love me ever if he still has that with her? I know for certain there is nothing more going on. They broke up because they were going in two different directions and they weren't happy together. Or something along those line. I never had the full story about how long they were together or anything. But it hurts.
Is that stupid? More brutal honesty called for her please guys!
 | Charlotte [Member] 24/05/05 @ 23:41 |
Ouch! (to the card thing) Not nice.
I have/ had the same problem. The thing is he outwardly and obviously adores YOU! It's YOU, he's with, YOU he cares about and possibly more!!! It's exciting and wonderful!
I have a hard time believing with my own situation.
I recently saw the exact similar with someone else (yes, a third couple!) whose boyfriend forbid his girlfriend to see most of her friends when any of her previous boyfriends were there.
My view is that that was ridiculous, she should be able to see who she wants, and he should be able to trust her. If he doesn't take the risk, he doesn't get the reward! If the door still is open with an ex, then all you can do is trust your partner. In your case, if something happens - it's his loss. And it wasn't meant to have been. BE PHILOSOPHICAL! TAKE THE RISK!
If there was something going on he'd be more likely to hide it from you. He's probably simply doing it as she's lonely and he has caring feelings for her. Which is fine!! As long as it's not anything else, which I believe it isn't! Really, don't worry. He's doing it openly and honestly, plus you're talking which is great!
I mean the card thing depends on so many factors like how they broke up, who broke up with the other, why, was it amicable, difficult, easy???
I just think go with the flow!!!
I hope that makes sense!!
From C (who is also very much in love with her boyfriend too!!)
| Charlotte [Member] 25/05/05 @ 12:40 |
Thank you for your invite! And am v pleased to accept!!
Take care,
x
C
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