Slowly getting there...

2005-05-28T10:43:33+02:00

Hi guys

Well loads has happened since the beginning of the week with Spidey...and I must say I feel a million times better for it.
He's not originally from here, he moved to this city for work and this weekend (well yesterday) he was driving back home for the weekend to see friends and family. I think that was partially to blame for my sudden fears about his ex also, as she's from there also.

Anyway he obviously knows me way better than I thought because I was asking "subtle" questions about who he was going to see. I didn't expect him to realise I was talking about his ex becuase we've not really had any issues about her and she's certainly not been mentioned in at least the last 3-4 months. Staighr away he told me not to worry, that he wouldnt be seeing her. He said that although they were friends they really arent that good friends or close anymore, and he's happy to let her get on with her life and him with his. To that he added that lives elsewhere now anyway, and that he doesn't fancy her in the slightest, so I shouldn't worry. He also said I can talk to him when I'm worried. I can talk to him it's just before I thought she was so special or something and was too scared to talk about her. Silly I know. I just made it clear to Spidey that if he did see her or whatever, I'd rather he told me, than kept it quite so that I didn't get upset or anything. He said he would.

He's away till Monday (since yesterday)and it's crazy I miss him tons already. Since we've been together I don't think we've ever spent more than two days apart (except for at Christmas). Next Friday it's coming up for out six month anniversary
I just can't wait.

Right off to do yet more tedious revising

Take care
xxxx

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My first post...

2005-05-24T17:50:25+02:00

Hi guys

Well welcome to my first post. Guess a little recap on recent events in my life would be useful.

Where to start...

I've been going out with this guy since christmas, so coming up for 6 months, all is going well and we spend a lot of time together. For now we'll call him Spidey.

Rewind two weeks...

Told Spidey that I loved him! Hadn't planned to tell him, in fact I'd kept it to myself for about 3 months, figured I'd wait until he told me first and then that way I wouldn't get hurt. See had it all worked out. Such a wuss aren't I. Anyway Spidey had said it before me, twice in fact. Well...how was I to know that he didn't realise he was saying it. I figured it was safe, and even though I still felt too shy/scared to tell him it came out during a night on the town with some of my mates (who knew how I felt).
Now it's not the best time to declare your love to someone, let alone for the first time, I know but I also have no idea how it happened. Lets just say...it didnt go as planned. And the huge knots in my stomach the next morning when I woke up alerted me to that fact (even though I technically couldn't remember anything he'd said - repression in my opinion nothing to do with the copious amounts of alcohol).
So two weeks had passed and things have been pretty much the same, still pretty good, though that fateful night hasn't been mentioned again That is except briefly the day after I told him, although nothing was really said about what was said.
Decided that should come clean yesterday and tell him, "Spidey, remember when I told you that thing I told you a few weeks ago, well I can't remember what you said." There you go me being honest. Spidey's turn.
Spidey said he cared about me a lot. Good start to saying I don't love you, I guess thats something. Spidey doesn't want to throw love around like it's meaningless. I meant it. Am I meaningless? I skimmed over reacting to that part, quite frankly I don't know how that part makes me feel. I guess he's honest. Spidey said he didn't want things to change. Why would they have to change? Told Spidey we didn't have to talk about this anymore. It was starting to hurt a little too much. Didn't tell him that part.
And now? Well. Life goes on as it always does. But I feel a bit in limbo and a bit sad even though I should be grateful that he was decent enough to be honest. And of course I know that IF he ever does say it it will mean a lot. Thats just it though, he doesn't now and that hurts a little. But worst of all what if he never feels it?
Feeling way to vulnerable now. And here I was thinking I'd devised the master plan to not get hurt. I wish I hadn't told him, it was almost better wondering if he did do. But now where do I go from here? It's always going to be "out there now".

Anyway I guess thats enough of my ramblings for now. Time to go and do something else to amuse all and sundry!

xxx

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Life as I know it...

Slowly getting there...

My first post...